life is like...

life is like a lot of things. but today i'm thinking that it's like driving in the swazi mountains - you're always either going up or down, and you're never on a flat plain. that's kind of what my emotions have been like so far: i either feel really good about being here, or things are really difficult. and for the past few weeks it's been really difficult.

as i mentioned a bit in one of my previous blogs, i think i had unrealistic expectations about how i would fit in here. people look at me and just see one in a string of many white, american volunteers. they can't tell what kind of experiences i've had, like living for 13 years in benin. and even if they could, why should they care? as i'm learning, west african and south african culture are vastly different. and why shouldn't they be? they're on opposite ends of an enormous continent. but it's been a bit of a rude awakening.

and also, i know what it's like to be on the other side, receiving a string of volunteers and interns. and how they kind of blend into each other as they come and go. so i'm not surprised when my coworkers at the office forget and call me "nomsa" (the swazi name of the previous salter). but it hurts. because it reminds me how separate our lives are. and it reminds of how essential it is for development work that you settle down and really get to know a place. when i think about the relationships and level of understanding of the culture that i have here compared to how i am able to operate in benin, there's such a huge difference. and it makes me cringe to think about all the miscommunication and confusion and damage caused by well-meaning volunteers who come in trying to help, but with no understanding of the context. and so all i can do is acknowledge that i am an outsider here, and then be sensitive and open to learning as i interact with others and learn the ropes here. and this process is exhausting and difficult, but i know it's necessary and well worth the effort.